Karlos Twin-Axe
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Background
Aye ahm a right pissed bastard ahn ah got good reason tae be. Me band o’ slobberers, the Grim Guzzlers, ran intae a spot o’ trouble inside tha shitty Bourgund Duchy with them rat bastard Nancy Street Boys. Ah busted ten ‘eads meself and me crew counted 13 more ‘afore the sun set, ahn yet there ‘twas nearly a hunnerd more halfling bastards out for me blood and me beard. The nutters forced us outta the city and intae the wastes, if ye can believe it. But let me tell ye ah was not havin’ none o’ it. Me crew, or what was left o’ it, began pillagin’ the countryside. But if ye know anything about the wastes, ye know there be nothin’ tae pillage for miles around. One day, ah realized ‘ow stupid it was tae hang about a bunch of useless ingrates what can’t even handle a few halflings, so ah took me axe tae the lot of them. Tha bastards screamed like they’d been wronged somehow. ‘Twas me who was wronged, not them!
After departin’ from the dearly departed, ah made my way tae the lands o’ Nuria Natal. Tha grand jewel o’ the Southlands, or so they say. Who be ‘they’, ye ask? What, ye some sort of professor? Got a need tae investigate matters that don’t concern ye? How about ye shut up before ye give me a reason tae silence yer tongue meself ahn let me tell me story. The cities o’ the desert are nothing special. Ye got yer bands o’ ne'er do wells as all cities have, but not a lot of them are worth a grain of sand. They wants me gold, or they wants me strength, or they wants this that and tha other. But not a one o’ them give two jungle brown bear’s shites what AH want! And thats the ‘eart of the matter. Mah satisfaction comes first, and ah’ll not play second fiddle tae anyone, be they god or elf or puny weak-limbed gnome. Midgard be me playground ahn ahm gonna have some fun, aye.
But there be no fun in a big city, where the established thugs grip the reins. Ah needed tae consider the untimely death of me Guzzlers, and tha need tae replace them post haste. Tae do that requires strength of character, which ah have in abundance, but also a quantity of gold. Raidin’ and pillagin’ can only get ye so far when yer by yerself. That’s when ah made an executive decision. Me fortune can be found not in the bowels of some shitty city, but rather in the bottom of a tomb. Grave robbin’s the easiest work o’ them all. Tha dead don’t fight back. Usually. Ahn even if they did, me axe is more than a match fer their rottin’ ‘ides. Ah ‘eard from an acquaintance that the little ‘alfling sized ‘amlet of Jokari was filled with an adventurous sort. Those unafraid of gettin’ their ‘and’s bloody. Ahn the nearby tomb that gives the city its fame be nearly unexplored even after o’er a year o’ attempts at unmasking its secrets. What fortune! Ah know that me future crew lay down there… I just knows it! Ahn ahm gonna get me some o’ that booty before anyone else. That I assure ye!
